it reaches into where I cannot hide

I almost had no time for you today lover.
I am sorry.

It was just all the excitement.
We finished a full three day week of preschool where everything is so little and neat and tidy that I hesitate and linger at the classroom door. I kinda want to roll Blaise down the long hallway and run into the room myself. I want to be in that little classroom where everything is just so simply about playing. So free. Finn announced his teachers were ever so nice today. He kills me with his sayings.

We also got to hang out with our old pals from Athens and tour round their home that is a mix between Paumes and Anthroplogie and fall right in love with a little flying pig doorstop and have hummus for lunch.

And then Blaise went and ate some marbles-
well at least one marble...a black shiny glass one
But poison control seemed to think it will be fine.
It was scary for a second. I saw him going for the dish.
I got one out of his mouth and his eyes were wide saucers for a split second and then he grinned and it was gone.
Please don't leave me scary messages about bowel obstructions or anything to make the nervous eye twitch return.
I am watching over him very closely.
I think he is OK.
Say a little prayer for my marble eater though.
It was a day.

Get me delivered to yr email xo

put yr arms around me baby/put yr arms around me baby

Falafel tastes like donkey tonight.
Welcome to my world.
It is busy round here and I am working on lots of coolness- I will share soon.
I am just not at all together.
I open my reader and look at folks inside their perfect little worlds and then this is dinner at my house:

I know it is perfect here too though, in a strange way.
I love table dancing in the dining room that so wants to be my kitchen.
One whole year of eating in this wretched space. Ugh.
I can't wait to sell that other house and do this addition.
UGH.
Could I complain more?
I wish I had some sort of diagnosis to my issues.
I have been blue this past month. Blue bonnet. But, I am not depressed. I am just not. I am just very slutty with the stress and I live a very visceral life. I am my own kind of nightmare to myself.

Things are going to get better and the most important of all things are right in front of me:

I mean, look at these three boys.
They are gorgeous and yes in the background you might hear this song.
What kind of mother am I?

But when I’m surrounded I just can’t stop

See that small little bed in the background. That is the bed that belongs to a preschooler as of today. The bed that used to be my father's as a little boy. The bed that Finn sleeps on every night. The bed that I curled up on for an hour today and may or may not have wet with my tears at the thought of losing Finn a bit more to the outside world. It is exciting and terrifying at the same time. When I think about it too long I start to feel my chest tighten. Like all day.

Get me delivered to yr email xo

You keep saying you got something for me

black wellingtons, originally uploaded by meredith m. grant.

Dear self.
When you start to make some money from this freelance life you can have some Hunter boots. When people start buying yr wood like mad you can have them in red and black. You can. You must wait now.
Just for a bit. Be patient.
It's hard to control yr lust.
But you must.
kiss kiss

Size 11 like a drag queen if yr listening Hunter wellington company.
size 11.

One day soon Im gonna tell the moon about the crying game

I had that outfit and haircut once. I was drinking a Jack and Coke at a dive bar in 1995 and a very drunk man told me I looked like Uma. I kept moving a lot so he wouldn't focus too much and realize that was very untrue.

And one time I spent the whole day in a coffee shop penning a letter to Tarantino telling him how I would be perfect for his next film. I had just seen Natural Born Killers and was hanging out with acting students. I thought I had it in me. I don't think I used the internet much then and I was too lazy to find Quentin's film production company address. I never mailed it.

Get me delivered to yr email xo