So. I have lost almost 18lbs on weight watchers since February.
I am super excited.
I am happy and feeling like I am on the good path but it is hard.
So hard.
I have documented my journey with the chub here but something just feels right this time around the block.
NYC was a decadent trip.
I left my journal at home and just trusted myself to make better choices.
I ALSO WALKED MY ASS OFF. OMG.
I look at people all around me- thin and stylish and I am a bit jealous.
I want to throw clothes over my body and look great in anything.
I want to feel comfortable all the time.
The way others seem to me.
But that is not really the way it goes. Right?
I am told by beautiful skinny people all throughout my life that they have hang ups too.
That they search mirrors for goodness and security and that they are not always what they seem. Outward.
Inside.
I am lucky. I cannot keep Joe from touching me. He is drawn to me like a mad one.
I am loved. I am loved.
But it's sad that we as women are just always thinking it is never good enough.
It really is sad to me.
I wish we could change the way the world has made us think about the way we all look.
I wish I could stop thinking about all the numbers.
I would like to wear a belt though.
A big chunky brown leather belt with a silver buckle.
With tight jeans.
And walk down the street not thinking about a goddamn thing.
6 comments:
This is the best post ever. I have the same hang-ups and the same dream as you. Silver buckle and all. Keep it up. You're on a journey. We all are, aren't we?
I agree with Amanda! I love this post and am considering printing it up and carrying it along with me. :-)
When I got real with myself a couple years ago, I held an image of the type of outfit I wanted to wear that somehow in my head symbolized that I had made it. As in, I had the confidence to pull of something I wouldn't normally wear. At the time it was a dress with a belt and boots. I dropped about 35lbs and wore the hell out of belts (I now have about 25 belts when I used to own ZERO) and dresses and have 5 pairs of boots. My point? Holding the idea of what you want to wear in your mind's eye is good, great even. Not attaching it to a certain number but a particular feeling. You'll know when you are ready. And you damn well better post a photo of it when you do! xoxo
Lately I've been looking too closely into the mirror and frowning. I find it best to a.) have only mirrors from boobs and up, and b.) not own a scale.
I often find that I *feel* better than I actually look, but you know, as long as I don't look (and then feel shitty), it's not a bad way to go.
By the way? You are gorgeous. Inside and out.
Beautifully written.
I understand what you are saying. I have said it before. I don't feel that way anymore, though, and I am just as big as I was then.
Trying to find a middle ground between finding where your healthy weight should be (not where society tells you it should be) and being happy with where that is can be very difficult.
This book helped me on that path:
http://www.amazon.ca/Fat-So-Because-Dont-Apologize/dp/0898159954/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1306167217&sr=8-1
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