Friday, February 27, 2009

"Sometimes, I guess there just aren't enough rocks."



I think I may try and go on a diet. Screw the lifestyle change thing really.
I need a diet. Restriction. Groaning and moaning and suffering.
I need to lose weight again. It happens to me over and over.

And all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again.

My best scenario dieting involves me not having children and having disposable income.
I do best with Weight Watchers club style pom pom cheerleader I'm gonna beat you here comes my competitive side thing diet.
I get all organized and obsessed and it is gorgeous.
Weight drops from me and all my friends fawn all over me and I dance more and my old designer clothes come from behind their plastic sleeves and the worlds shines so brightly on me that I glow.


My mother was my original yo yo dieter idol.
She once got diamond earrings from my dad for losing 50lbs.
That was kinda fucked up to me even then.
My mom lost the same 50-75 lbs over and over. She finally lost the control and ended up severely overweight. She had gastric bypass a few years back and is a skinny bitch now.
Healthy and happy and it worked out for her. Thank God. She is beautiful and has control again.
But, I don't really wanna follow her down all the roads.
I would like to beat this demon now before all of the sudden my kids are big kids and I am still wearing sweatpants that may or may not be maternity.

and when yr up yr up and when yr down yr down
and when yr only half way up yr neither up nor down


Fit for Life was the cult diet I remember most. She ate like a French woman until noon with assorted fruits and then talked about dead foods like meat rotting in her stomach and I just sat there with my Little Debbies and stared. It was like the time at the Ohio State Fair where I watched her fall right into the Vita Mix man's arms. The line around the charismatic vita mix juice freak man wrapped round the isles of the expo center and they all believed.
I even thought for a moment that I would be a juicer.
And I was only twelve.

I can be true and talk about this and be really very careful with the dialogue that I have with my family and my children. I have all the right keys in my pocket to raise good children with good body image. I will not fail them, but that doesn't mean that on inside of me there is not a problem. That doesn't mean that I am not as messed up as any one else. I just keep it all inside. I have been on the diet train since I was 12 years old, but for some graceful reason I am not too damaged because of it. I wore Husky jeans. How shitty was that to call them husky and pretty plus? Blah. Even when I am at my heaviest I am certainly in the upper 5% of most charming and sexy in a room and that has always got me through it.
I do overweight OK.
Actually I do it really well.
I just don't want to anymore.

and when she was good she was very good but when she was bad she was horrid.

I'm unsure why I am really writing this. I guess I would love it if you gave me advice oh people who are smart and live inside of my computer... I guess I am kinda ready to start doing something, but I don't know what it is. I just want to feel better. I want to feel more like I live inside of this body. And not someone else. I really wish you would leave me a comment and tell me things today. Because today is one of those days that I need more from my blog than just a place to write and express myself. kiss kiss. xo


title post- Forrest Gump 1994
photo via flickr

33 comments:

Momo Fali said...

My advice is to take one day at a time. Tell yorself you're only going to diet for ONE day. Anybody can do something for one day. Then the next day do it again. You'll likely lose a few pounds and maybe that will get the ball rolling in the right direction. When the weather warms up we will walk together.

Sizzle said...

This:

I do overweight OK.
Actually I do it really well.
I just don't want to anymore.

Me too. ME TOO.

Let's support each other in being our best selves possible. Not because society tells us to, not for the allure of the pretty clothes, not for accolades but for OURSELVES because we deserve to be happy in our bodies.

Ser said...

I love your beautiful, poetic words about this topic. It is one close to my heart as a former bulimic/obsessive and now almost healed woman.

And here is my very practical advice: Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred is a really awesome video with 20 minute workouts that kick butt. I almost always can find 20 minutes to spare, and doing this early in the day motivates me for the rest of the day. I tend to find the most success with exercising a lot and not restricting my food intake too much.

Anonymous said...

I had a therapist once who told me I was probably overweight and drank a lot because I was trying to suppress my psychic ability, I told her I wasn't paying her enough and asked if she could write that down on some sort of official letterhead so I could frame it and hang it around my neck. The struggle with my weight has been daily for decades and it is tiresome. I think I'm waiting for an all vodka diet to really give it a go. - Lisa

kim said...

Join a gym and buy yourself 5 visits with a personal trainer there, and then do whatever she tells you. She will probably tell you lots of good news - like you don't have to kill yourself in your workouts, you just have to learn to do it RIGHT. As much as dieting helps, exercising feels way more empowering. The trainer will keep you motivated, and you're paying her to care about your heart rate and fat percentage, so she will. Also, she'll tell you the truth. It is so worth the money. I've lost 11 pounds since Jan 1st and I'm eating ALL THE TIME! One last thing - start eating greek yogurt like it's your medicine. Good luck!

Robin ~ PENSIEVE said...

Do I dare admit how I think I could lose weight? Drop the online life...I'm much more sedentary since I began blogging (now that's NO help, is it?).

What I keep telling myself is "Do SOMETHING 'cause something is better than NOTHING!" ya know?

BTW...I love how you handled this post...with the nursery rhymes punctuating thought.

thatpatti said...

i will call you and tell you i am being held hostage by a bad person who will only release me to someone who runs to my house.

then when you get here i will generously offer to run you home. and then i will be forced to run back home because i couldn't possibly ask any more from you for the day.

intense, huh?

John Strauss said...

read michael pollan's "in defense of food"

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I think you have to decide what you like to do (dancing, walking, playing with the kids, etc.) and plan time for those activites the way you would for exercise. Like every day from 1:00 to 1:45, you'll dance your ass off. Like high energy might be embarrassing jazz hands dancing that will burn as many calories as possible.

Then you think of all of the foods that you love that are good for you and plan your meals around those - keeping moderation and portion control in mind of course. Really - dieting is hard - and there's no getting around it. But it's at least a little bit better if you try to make what you DO eat really good.

Oh - and that's my favorite line from Forrest Gump. I couldn't believe the Sally Field got an Oscar for that movie, but Robin Wright never even got a nomination.

Amanda said...

I loved this post. So honest. I would say find something that is a challenge to you (for me it was running) and set a goal. I will run an a 1/2 marathon in April, and have been training for it. Ever since I started training, I can really eat what I want due to the calorie expenditure. I love food too much to stop eating what I love.

You have to have support from your family (like a spouse who says "go, run, I will start dinner and take the kids.") Find a few friends (or meet a few new ones) who will train for something with you.

Get a training schedule for a novice and follow it EVERY day. Don't deviate. Keep a log of what you have done. It is really a boost on a bad day to see what you have accomplished.

Most of all, find something that you like and that challenges you. If you hate it, the challenge won't matter.

Don't worry about the number of your weight think of how you feel and are you enjoying life and what you are doing?

OK, enough preaching! :)

nkp said...

Gawd, you have the most amazing way with words. Your ability to mold them in to something more than just scatch on paper mesmerizes me. I've been there and back with the diet thing as well, especially after birthing three kiddos and really all my life.

I don't think there is any huge secret out there, if I eat less and exercise I'll lose weight and if I keep turning to the cookies all day, I won't. Unfortunately the cookies often win. Sheesh, wish I had some golden pearls of wisdom...I think you rock! Have an amazing weekend and best of luck on whatever path you take!

Headless Mom said...

You obviously don't need my smack after all of the love that has come before me but in general they are all right.

Move. Do some kind of physical activity that you love. Start small, and let it grow as you feel better and get smaller. Keep trying new things to change it up.

Eat. Or not. Look at what you already eat. Do you love it? Do you love it enough to justify the calories/fat/etc.? Can you cut the bad stuff by half so you don't deprive yourself all together? For instance, I love coffee and love to pollute it with real sugar and real cream. It's not worth it to me without that stuff so I only have a couple of cups instead of 4-which I used to have. Carmen used to say all the time (on ELFF Diet) that if it's not the best brownie (or insert your weakness here) then why are you wasting the calories?

Double or triple the number of veggies you eat each day. You'll fill up faster.

Good luck. It's hard but worth it!

daisy janie : scoutie girl said...

I found a crew of friends who had health, wellness & fitness at the tops of their lists - they're not teatotalers or snoozers - they're just people who have made a commitment in their lives that exercise is going to happen come hell or high water. I committed to their commitments more than my own, initially. I didn't want to let them down or have them think I was a total bogart. Total mindgame for myself, but it worked. That was 5 years ago. I can't even begin to tell you the number of the world's problems we've solved on our runs in that amount of time!!

180/360 said...

This is a really tricky post to respond to because...

-I know that I'd love you at any weight.
-I know that isn't a good enough answer.
-I know that I can't totally relate, even though I've had to lose weight at various points in my life, but it wasn't so intertwined with my youth/upbringing, which I truly believe changes everything.

That said, I've managed to lose my holiday indulge by eating big breakfasts and lunches, then eating really small dinners. I've also been practicing yoga VERY regularly. I always eat what I want when I want, but I'm also really active. I eat at home 95% of the time, cooking organic, healthy food. I pay a lot of attention to what I put in my body, not in a calorie/fat content way, but in an ingredient standard. But mostly, I just try to aim for balance in my life.

I agree with other posters- find an exercise you love, cook all of your own food, step away from your computer more and read Michael Pollan. xxx :)

Rowena said...

i think the most important thing is that we get off the food/fat=evil thing.

It's like we think a few extra pounds means we are somehow less than other people, maybe we're weaker or really very ugly inside.

I think it's the self hate, no matter how hidden, that makes us out of control with food and diet and exercise.

I'm a few pounds more than I'd like right now, and I have to make the decision to just not eat my snacks at night, and to eat healthy foods instead of ignore myself and then stuff myself with whatever's at hand. I can feel that there's a little bit of self destructiveness in my indulging.

A little indulging is good for us. But when it turns into, "I don't care, I'm going to eat it until I feel sick..." we've gone too far.

susiej said...

Dance. Dance everyday until you drop over with sweat and heartbeat that pumps through your chest. With your kids.

fruitlady said...

Weight watchers really is the best. NPR did a thing on talk of the nation yesterday. There is no best diet. It's all about the calories in and calories out. Exercise helps. I wish I lived closer to you. I would be your partner. It is one day at a time, yada yada.

You are beautiful but a healthy beautiful you is preferable. Especially for your family. I will support you however I can.

Judith Shakespeare said...

You and I are soulmates, I think. I have enough confidence to pull off the overweight-ness, myself... But, of course, confidence tends to disappear at the most inopportune moments.

We should do something about this.

abby said...

Beautiful post, Amy. It's hard to get the voices out of the head. I think mostly what works is not beating up on yourself if you skip a day or don't start when you say you're going to and all that kind of stuff. It's a total mind game and once you let go of, "Shit, I failed again because I skipped a day and ate a pint of ice cream," it's a whole new ballgame.

I can tell you this, I've only talked to you in person maybe once or twice and I know for a fact that you are most definitely the most charming and sexy person in the room wherever you go.

Poppy and Mei said...

Oh my. I am you & you are me.
I've decided to try & accept my weight & go out & buy clothes that fit me.
Deep huh?
I'll let ya know how it goes...XXxx

katekatenegotiate said...

"eat less, move more"--rosie o'donnell

i'm investing in a good pair of running shoes and going to slowly start running. and i will also not be eating a bowl of cereal at 11 every night...though it's so tempting.

BOSSY said...

Bossy isn't in a Giving Advice mood, but she's in a Loving You From Afar mood. xoxoxo

Alexis said...

I'm right there with you!

I'm going to start walking and keeping Fit From Within on my night table.

Robin said...

Wow! I just found your blog from your guest post at the lil bee. We have a lot in common. My dad was the one I got weight issues from though - he is so hell bent on me not being like him that when I was in college and first struggling with my weight, he paid me to work out. Cash! Effed up much? Anyhow, WW helped me pre-baby but here I am with an 8 month old and I can only wear my fattest pre-pregnancy clothes. Also confident enough to pull it off, so to speak (I teach yoga to skinny women - gah!) but just over it. So totally over it. So I am training for a 10k...fingers crossed.

Will be back :)

Rain said...

mycalorietracker.com is what I am doing. I think counting calories is the most logical approach. I used to be obsessed with eliminating certain foods or food groups as bad. It's a relief to stop doing that and focus on portions. Good luck to both of us :)

mary said...

Good God. I am always in awe with what you put out there...your honesty and genuine-ness just make me want to squeeze you to bits!!

I will send you an e-mail... xoxo

JessTrev said...

I so agree about the #s not mattering. And the eat-real-food-and-less-of-it, move more advice. Actually, now that I have been exercising for a couple months, I will say that the moving around? Motivates me somehow to eat better. After I get all sore and tired all I want to eat is vegetables and fruit smoothies. I am experimenting with meeting food cravings with spicy food (I love smoky Spanish paprika + pepperoncini at the moment) and hot tea. But I don't wrestle so much with the yoyo and mind games so much, so no advice there, just total agreement that I want my kids to feel healthy and good about their bodies too.

village mama said...

I love this post, and I love the responses.

My two cents is that you do ONE single thing every day that makes you feel like a winner. Day 1: eat an extra piece of fruit; Day 2: one extra glass of water; Day 3: do all your errands by foot.

You could do a blog series called "120 days, one at a time" and tell us the one thing you did. Simple.
Then as always we will leave praise and love and friendship notes. xoxo

village mama said...

PS thanks to our subscription to Runner's World I ran my 4th marathon 13 months after my 2nd was born; I highly recommend a motivating magazine subscription. FYI this month's RW is the 'weight loss special - the no diet guide to slimming down for good'. xo

Annie said...

My son died 18 months ago and I couldn't get anyone to believe I needed to be in the ICU so instead I gained 40 pounds. I didn't care about being fat. I just wanted him back. In January, as I began to come out of the grief coma, I saw a picture of myself and realized that now I wasn't just sad, I was sad AND fat and being fat wasn't bringing Gavin back. But I couldn't imagine I taking on any more pain in my life so there was no way I was going to ask myself to go hungry. Then I tripped over Paul McKenna's book, I Can Make You Thin and started listening to the CD that comes with the book. I've lost 25 pounds. It's different than any diet I've ever tried. Comfortable. Who knows what'll work for you. But this might be worth a shot. Smile. And hug your babies.

Metropolitan Mum said...

Gosh, this is a tricky one. I am rubbish at diets. But reading these old Weight Watchers recipe cards will make you laugh extra hard (burning calories). And if you dare trying one of them, you might end up not to eat at all.
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

Nick | Mom Most Traveled said...

I agree with the first post. Just take everything one day at a time. Besides, be yourself :)

Binkytowne said...

I've done ww & it works, like you mentioned, but I seriously feel like it steals a little bit of joy from me every day when I can't eat something I want to eat. I feel like good, rich, satisfying food is the ONE perk I know I can count on I'n a day. So I'm trying to eat happy but eat less. Easier said than done, I know.

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