Sunday, June 7, 2009

the queen of all he knew

I dream of riding the Orient Express

for two nights in a row now

I am in a bright cabin with paper and pencils

and very Bohemian in an authentic way

like the way I used to wrap scarves around my head in college

and head out to the bar for a drink

when it was not even chic- just odd

scarves that my Kurdish friend would give me

and how they were so bright turquoise

that I stood out from miles away

like a beacon to other strange girls

blinking and calling out

be the person yr supposed to be

and later you will be fine with it

I am on a journey and at some point in the dream I freeze frame for a second and hit some sort of intense epiphany- only I wake up right as I feel the hairs on my body stand and stir

it was like that yesterday too

only I was walking in the heat of the day down the street here with the boys and we were headed to the creek

finn was jabbering away with so many questions that I thought my head might explode

only it didn't and I just gave in and started answering the questions

and as we walked the crickets were loud against the landscape of suburbia

and I came right to a place that at the same exact moment long rivers of sweat were snaking down my back and pooling into my underwear I knew this was one of those days

where I was the queen of all he knew and I had come here

just here to make sure he knew all about the world

and we talked for over an hour about things that might have bored me senseless just the day before but this day they excited me much like the time I was the first person to show him The Mona Lisa or the first rock he ever broke himself against

right as the moment came I was present and able to feel it

everyday as a mother there are moments that stop you

wouldn't it be lovely if we could save them on some portable device like an ipod or something

take em with us and hit repeat

feel it viscerally

anytime we needed to know we were just fine

that we were here for them

and they were here for us

like a glove


Erin said...

Amy - this is amazing. It is hard to be fully present but when you are it can be beautiful and life changing. I needed these words today. Thank you!

Erin said...

By the way, I just sent a link to this post to all of the mamas I know.

flutter said...

This is gorgeous. Absolutely, unequivocally gorgeous.

Alexis said...

Amy, you write so beautifully! Swoon!

Robin ~ PENSIEVE said...

There is a chasm of difference between "present" and "fully present". You nailed it.

(Loved it!)

Miss | A said...

i was there baby. love it! totally present in your words. thanks!

Unknown said...

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Why is it so hard to be present and enjoy and appreciate our role as the queen instead of feeling irritated bothered by it so often? Is it because we are too busy being busy to enjoy the moment for what it is?

Anonymous said...

flutter took the words right out of my mouth. Eloquently put.

bejewell said...

This is so great. I love those little moments, when your mood and the circumstances come together just right to open you up to your kid, letting you connect in a way that might seem small but rwally is kind of HUGE and can only happen when all of the planets are aligned.


Momo Fali said...

This gave me goosebumps. It can be so hard to be be in that moment. I am so glad you were.

Jack Steiner said...

I liked this.

vincent said...

I love this...

180360 said...

i love the way you write.


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