Thursday, June 5, 2008

Well swimmin' up this river/With sentimental fever

I am reading this book and thinking about happiness. Unalloyed happiness. We do tend to gauge our happiness meter against things in our life. (If this/When/I will... and we sometimes need to compare/contrast/wonder)
I get fully unimpressed with myself when I hesitate and linger a bit on the negativity that runs through my veins. I unfortunately inherited ancestral pessimism and grumpiness. I did-I know folks who know me think I am gleeful and shining light and bunnies and shit, but it is work people! I am not a depressed person but I tend to go to the negative place first. I have fought this all my life.

It is true I am the life of any party. I have been on the top of a bar this year already. I laugh so much. I eat life. But...I have to close my eyes tight and force myself not to think that things are bad when they are truly not. I have to try harder to trust people. I have to open up my real heart more to people. I have to cultivate much more patience and look at the scary as possibility. It helps to be married to a beacon of positivity. Joe, my truth and light. It helps and it also hurts bc I worry that one day he will grow tired of picking up my heart and soul and gently tucking it right back in place.

I have to look right round this room and trust in the fact that there is so much happiness here. It lives inside of these boys and pours out all over my lap when they hug me. It is the smell of spiderman suits that needed washed yesterday and hair slick with sweat. It is the light from the window falling on an afternoon where we stayed inside while it rained and took photographs all day. There is great happiness in being exactly where you want to be and realizing it in the moment.


karey m. said...

exactly! exactly.

for gets tiring tricking myself into thinking everything's completely possible and always happy. know what i mean? like, if i slip up, there we all go. straight to hell in a handbasket.

i've either spent a day away from your site...or you've been insanely prolific these past few days. i think it's the latter.

Anonymous said...

I can really identify with these words. Outside, I always try to be positive, always, and happy - and I really am, inside. But I worry. Always,'s almost like there's a level of trying to control things there. Like if I worry about it, that means I'm preparing myself if something doesn't go right, and therefore it really WILL go right. Right? Jeez. So much work. No wonder I'm tired. xo

I can't find my blog said...

It is hard for me to to drink in the joy- to see it and feel it.

Sweaty little boy head is my favorite smell. You have them, you know.

village mama said...

I am awed by you. Awed by the strength and depth of your writing. Love this post/journal entry/ confession/book review/love letter to Joe and the boys.

BOSSY said...

Bossy agrees, there is happiness to looking around and being happy exactly where you are. Take Bossy, who is sitting in her dining room and is happy exactly where she is! Especially if she could make the room 5 feet larger on all four sides, and if she could add about 6 feet of counter space to the adjoining kitchen. And would a new dishwasher be asking too much?

. . . said...

how did you know that i needed to read this today? every flaw in the house has been screaming to me, not to mention my personal appearance and adequacy as a mother and...

Anonymous said...

that last bit made me go aaahhh and want to put my feet up while sipping an ice cold lemonade. I think you handle your negativity in such a wise and mature way: by combating it with all the positive that surrounds you. Way to go! Dr. Laura would be proud.

Anonymous said...

A very thought provoking post Amy. I think everyone struggles with this a little. I do. I'm like Mary...I allow WORRY to overshadow my thoughts and edge out my happiness sometimes. My faith is what helps me make sense of it ALL and brings me back round everytime. That and a little friggin sunshine around here would help!!

Anonymous said...

"There is great happiness in being exactly where you want to be and realizing it in the moment".
I love that last line!
This is such an awesome post.
It's full of everything and anything that really matters!
Thanks for this!


Related Posts with Thumbnails