And carry your heart into my arms/That's where you belong

we don't like the post office
it irritates us as of late
but we love the fact that mom carries big zip lock bags
in her bottomless handbag
we love to save snow for that one particular day in July
when the heat is harsh against the house
when the day needs a whimsical addition
when we run to the freezer
and shout
SNOW BALLS!

And I'll know when it's right like a voice in the night/And the right shade of tangerine

Oh the world is bright and crisp today
and I am in it
right in the thick of the matter

We made Sally the Snake today
She is sweet and we love her
I was homesick for the library
I am full now

"It's spring fever...You don't quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!"
- Mark Twain

every street light reveals a picture in reverse/still it's so much clearer

back on the parenting table is the refresher course I am giving myself.

I should have studied this a bit more this early morning. I should have practiced. It is like I was either born without the filter mechanism or as I grew- I really never learned all of the proper ways to deal with large emotions, so even now I tend to be stunted when it comes to waves of feelings. I always act out, so how can I expect my child to do different? I think I need to start slowly again. I think I must walk around the house and announce my feelings to the masses.

"Mommy is feeling angry right now and she feels red"
"Mommy is feeling all sad and she might need to cry"

I mean, isn't this what makes parents different. There must be parents who feel defeated and just give up...and then there are parents who might try and better themselves in the process of trial and error. I keep messing up and I keep trying and it is hard to know the way with the lack of learning curves ahead. I guess I just want to allow my kids to feel and not have to agree with them. I just want to model better behavior. I just want to try and learn right along with them to deal with yr emotional self before you try and communicate and rationalize. I just need to keep it in my mind that the keystone of all of this is my love and it is good enough, it just needs a tweak. It just needs a little calibration to purr.

Between the click of the light and the start of the dream

I saw a new doc today
boy am I sick
bacterial infection and ear and sinus and a myriad of shit
At least I know and have druggage now
I mean I understand it must take restraint to not just write down amoxicillin
but heavens above
(so I am done harping about the winter of my discontent)
I wanna talk about my Moo cards that came. I got ten free from flickr and I just love them
when I get some mad money I will buy 100 and I will hand them out this summer with reckless abandon while wearing sundresses and eating gelato
I found out I have been invited to audition to read poems at the Columbus Arts festival
I am excited
The last time I auditioned for anything
was probably the early 90's and involved a bar stool at Tony's tavern
The snow is here
large wet flakes
they are covering up the ugly of this week

I can't stand up for falling down

I did sign up for this
so even in this wild sick ride
I post
my fevers won't leave
the me that felt better on Saturday
has been replaced again
by fetal position girl
am fighting with my 12 year old doctor
just give me some drugs
thank god I heard this little voice through the mail slot today
hellllluuuu
it was my friend Jess and she brought me get well treats
love her
and also
target is now selling Weleda
at least there is something to look forward to

With orders to identify/To clarify and classify

But when we rise it's like strawberry fields

Finn loved the lanterns in the photos from Avesta's wedding and I thought I would make him some paper lanterns for his room. I went with a simple design that can be made easily with any size paper. I actually used the DESIGN WITHIN REACH catalog again! I had such a good time making owls with the catalog last time that I thought I would keep on keeping on with my DWR pal. I was so honored to be on designmom.com (Oh how I want goddess Gabrielle Blair to adopt me) and apartment therapy's ohdeedoh.com with my owls. I am happy to be able to create cool decor for the kids rooms for free. I think Finn will dig his new art when he comes back tomorrow from mama and papa's. I think he will be making some with me for brothers nursery!
There are a ton of sites that give simple directions. I tend to glaze over with directions...so what I did was just take pages from the catalog and fold lengthwise and cut slits into the fold. I unfolded the paper and glue sticked the short sides together. I glued a strip at the top for a handle and TADA! This is a wonderful project for preschoolers who can sorta use scissors- small mess ups will not show while hung! Have fun!
.

And honey you should know/That I could never go on without you

Joe is back to work today and Finn got the hell out and chose an antique swap meet with mama and papa over staying here in the house of illness. I explained to him that there would be rows and rows of junky old things, much walking, and nary a toy in sight. It is not like Target I say. He continued to pack his pink SpongeBob backpack.
Blaise seems pretty cool with everything. He wants to be held and I am trying to keep as much distance from him as I can. How hard is that? His extra car seat has given him much pleasure today as I set it in the living room and he used it as a climbing frame. In and out and I just cuddle on the couch and shout out encouraging phrases. I throw him the remote control sometimes and he freaks out with delight. I let him rip up a Dwell magazine for fun times and we both have crap on our shirts. I have the box of cheerios beside my nest and it is all working out better than I could have thought yesterday in my 102.9 fever delirium. He amazes me today. I asked him to bring me a book and the little fat man brought me one. He might only say da da incessantly, but he brought me a book today.

Constant craving/Has always been

Cheap chocolate ice cream is helping
the doctor said it is a viral infection
7-10 days to feel like my old self he chuckled
after a copay and an hour in fluorescent lighting I wanted to punch him
I know I am starting to push the boundaries of old
because although the doc was obviously keen
he looked too damn young to be my doctor

have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?

I can hear grumpy wee voices and rattles and constant dropping of toys against the hardwood
I can hear the low murmur of kids PBS shows
he is doing his best with me in this constant state of ill
I have been in the bed since 7pm last night
I was at the antique shop buying old piano rolls
because they spoke to me
and all of the sudden I felt like a shivering wreck of crunchy coughs
it is flu or bronchitis or something funky
but I can't get into my doctor until the morning
WTF?
So I just stay in this bed
this bed above the play room and
listen to the boys
listen to Joe forge his own way through the day
listen to the subtraction of me

I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle/yeah

I am working on being refreshed. I am giving myself a little parenting course this week. I was digging around in my old teacher boxes and found a parenting booklet we used once at an after school parenting workshop funded by our local health department. It is "Parenting Tips for the Strung Out Mom and Dad" by Ruthann Saphier. It is a whimsical little publication that gives tips and hints for a bit of parental rejuvenation. I am going to post a tool a week. I am working on the patience section as I need it terribly this week. Returning home from days of being unscheduled and completely selfish make for hard transitions back to daily life that feels stifling and a bit annoying at first. Just honest.
I am trying to remember that my sons need me to be consistent and on track for them to be able to feel secure. I am trying to give my self a bit of time out when I need it. I am trying to push my tongue back into my mouth and tie it in a knot before I yell out.
When we are in routine we are cool.
When we just try and free float a day away we get in trouble.
How do you practice patience? How do you calm the beast that lives deep inside? That little monster called unrealistic expectation. I am going to have a special tea time for the kids and me after nap. I am going to do what is most important. I am going to say I am sorry to them for being a major bitch yesterday and part of this day. I am going to get us back on track. I have the above image hung on my wall and I will make it my mantra this week. Just like back in college when I had to memorize some dumb formula or obscure fact or term- I would write it on a large white dry erase board that hung in our living area. It would just be there as I watched TV or drank beer or hung out and eventually it became imprinted. Eventually.

Think about direction/Wonder why you haven't before

An old cootie game
found under old newspaper today
another gift from the pack rat papa
I like to imagine his hands as small as Finn's
turning antennae round to fit in small holes
making Gran play with him
on old linoleum floors
It can blow the mind
He turns 60 this week and I am wishing I had a
treasure for him
I sometimes wish he and I could go back in time and
rewalk portions of our path
this is not going to happen
but I wish I could reach out and turn a dial that would
run a constant loop in his mind
a message of how much I love him
even if I have never been very good at showing it

looking from a window above/it's like a story of love

Amazing wedding
fabulous people
culture
food
spirit
ain't love grand?
I feel like a mac truck ran over me
but it was so worth it
back to the basics tomorrow

going to the chapel...

The Rev. Amy has arrived!
Photos on Sunday
dude
my minister did not look this good!

It took a long time to become the thing I am to you.

oh airport bars
layovers are not so bad with you
even delays are OK with old friends and Gin
xo

And we rely on each other, ah-ah

I am without the time I need today. I wanted to write you all a love poem. I wanted to be able to express my feelings about what I am discovering about this massive online blogging community. I wanted to say things in a very eloquent and precise way. Instead I started writing down yr names and sites on paper and thanking you in my mind. Thanks for the daily inspiration, the connections, the certainty. Just like always, I don't fit into any small neat package. In the blog world I tend to dip in and out of many circles. I am not a cerebral hip blogger, not a crafty mama, not a political one, not a green girl, not a design maven, not a poet, not a soapbox...doobleh-vay doesn't really know what she is, but she is better because of all of you. It is my pleasure to filter yr words through my days. I can remember the day I first read Dooce a few years back and thought she was so cool and so brave. I feel that way every time I read and discover all of you now. What a world we have here. So many people who are finding their small rooms to thrive.

Woolf said something like this:

Odd how the creative power at once brings the whole universe to order
Happy Valentines Day all xo