And carry your heart into my arms/That's where you belong

we don't like the post office
it irritates us as of late
but we love the fact that mom carries big zip lock bags
in her bottomless handbag
we love to save snow for that one particular day in July
when the heat is harsh against the house
when the day needs a whimsical addition
when we run to the freezer
and shout
SNOW BALLS!

And I'll know when it's right like a voice in the night/And the right shade of tangerine

Oh the world is bright and crisp today
and I am in it
right in the thick of the matter

We made Sally the Snake today
She is sweet and we love her
I was homesick for the library
I am full now

"It's spring fever...You don't quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!"
- Mark Twain

every street light reveals a picture in reverse/still it's so much clearer

back on the parenting table is the refresher course I am giving myself.

I should have studied this a bit more this early morning. I should have practiced. It is like I was either born without the filter mechanism or as I grew- I really never learned all of the proper ways to deal with large emotions, so even now I tend to be stunted when it comes to waves of feelings. I always act out, so how can I expect my child to do different? I think I need to start slowly again. I think I must walk around the house and announce my feelings to the masses.

"Mommy is feeling angry right now and she feels red"
"Mommy is feeling all sad and she might need to cry"

I mean, isn't this what makes parents different. There must be parents who feel defeated and just give up...and then there are parents who might try and better themselves in the process of trial and error. I keep messing up and I keep trying and it is hard to know the way with the lack of learning curves ahead. I guess I just want to allow my kids to feel and not have to agree with them. I just want to model better behavior. I just want to try and learn right along with them to deal with yr emotional self before you try and communicate and rationalize. I just need to keep it in my mind that the keystone of all of this is my love and it is good enough, it just needs a tweak. It just needs a little calibration to purr.

Between the click of the light and the start of the dream

I saw a new doc today
boy am I sick
bacterial infection and ear and sinus and a myriad of shit
At least I know and have druggage now
I mean I understand it must take restraint to not just write down amoxicillin
but heavens above
(so I am done harping about the winter of my discontent)
I wanna talk about my Moo cards that came. I got ten free from flickr and I just love them
when I get some mad money I will buy 100 and I will hand them out this summer with reckless abandon while wearing sundresses and eating gelato
I found out I have been invited to audition to read poems at the Columbus Arts festival
I am excited
The last time I auditioned for anything
was probably the early 90's and involved a bar stool at Tony's tavern
The snow is here
large wet flakes
they are covering up the ugly of this week

I can't stand up for falling down

I did sign up for this
so even in this wild sick ride
I post
my fevers won't leave
the me that felt better on Saturday
has been replaced again
by fetal position girl
am fighting with my 12 year old doctor
just give me some drugs
thank god I heard this little voice through the mail slot today
hellllluuuu
it was my friend Jess and she brought me get well treats
love her
and also
target is now selling Weleda
at least there is something to look forward to

With orders to identify/To clarify and classify

But when we rise it's like strawberry fields

Finn loved the lanterns in the photos from Avesta's wedding and I thought I would make him some paper lanterns for his room. I went with a simple design that can be made easily with any size paper. I actually used the DESIGN WITHIN REACH catalog again! I had such a good time making owls with the catalog last time that I thought I would keep on keeping on with my DWR pal. I was so honored to be on designmom.com (Oh how I want goddess Gabrielle Blair to adopt me) and apartment therapy's ohdeedoh.com with my owls. I am happy to be able to create cool decor for the kids rooms for free. I think Finn will dig his new art when he comes back tomorrow from mama and papa's. I think he will be making some with me for brothers nursery!
There are a ton of sites that give simple directions. I tend to glaze over with directions...so what I did was just take pages from the catalog and fold lengthwise and cut slits into the fold. I unfolded the paper and glue sticked the short sides together. I glued a strip at the top for a handle and TADA! This is a wonderful project for preschoolers who can sorta use scissors- small mess ups will not show while hung! Have fun!
.

And honey you should know/That I could never go on without you

Joe is back to work today and Finn got the hell out and chose an antique swap meet with mama and papa over staying here in the house of illness. I explained to him that there would be rows and rows of junky old things, much walking, and nary a toy in sight. It is not like Target I say. He continued to pack his pink SpongeBob backpack.
Blaise seems pretty cool with everything. He wants to be held and I am trying to keep as much distance from him as I can. How hard is that? His extra car seat has given him much pleasure today as I set it in the living room and he used it as a climbing frame. In and out and I just cuddle on the couch and shout out encouraging phrases. I throw him the remote control sometimes and he freaks out with delight. I let him rip up a Dwell magazine for fun times and we both have crap on our shirts. I have the box of cheerios beside my nest and it is all working out better than I could have thought yesterday in my 102.9 fever delirium. He amazes me today. I asked him to bring me a book and the little fat man brought me one. He might only say da da incessantly, but he brought me a book today.

Constant craving/Has always been

Cheap chocolate ice cream is helping
the doctor said it is a viral infection
7-10 days to feel like my old self he chuckled
after a copay and an hour in fluorescent lighting I wanted to punch him
I know I am starting to push the boundaries of old
because although the doc was obviously keen
he looked too damn young to be my doctor

have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?

I can hear grumpy wee voices and rattles and constant dropping of toys against the hardwood
I can hear the low murmur of kids PBS shows
he is doing his best with me in this constant state of ill
I have been in the bed since 7pm last night
I was at the antique shop buying old piano rolls
because they spoke to me
and all of the sudden I felt like a shivering wreck of crunchy coughs
it is flu or bronchitis or something funky
but I can't get into my doctor until the morning
WTF?
So I just stay in this bed
this bed above the play room and
listen to the boys
listen to Joe forge his own way through the day
listen to the subtraction of me

I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle/yeah

I am working on being refreshed. I am giving myself a little parenting course this week. I was digging around in my old teacher boxes and found a parenting booklet we used once at an after school parenting workshop funded by our local health department. It is "Parenting Tips for the Strung Out Mom and Dad" by Ruthann Saphier. It is a whimsical little publication that gives tips and hints for a bit of parental rejuvenation. I am going to post a tool a week. I am working on the patience section as I need it terribly this week. Returning home from days of being unscheduled and completely selfish make for hard transitions back to daily life that feels stifling and a bit annoying at first. Just honest.
I am trying to remember that my sons need me to be consistent and on track for them to be able to feel secure. I am trying to give my self a bit of time out when I need it. I am trying to push my tongue back into my mouth and tie it in a knot before I yell out.
When we are in routine we are cool.
When we just try and free float a day away we get in trouble.
How do you practice patience? How do you calm the beast that lives deep inside? That little monster called unrealistic expectation. I am going to have a special tea time for the kids and me after nap. I am going to do what is most important. I am going to say I am sorry to them for being a major bitch yesterday and part of this day. I am going to get us back on track. I have the above image hung on my wall and I will make it my mantra this week. Just like back in college when I had to memorize some dumb formula or obscure fact or term- I would write it on a large white dry erase board that hung in our living area. It would just be there as I watched TV or drank beer or hung out and eventually it became imprinted. Eventually.

Think about direction/Wonder why you haven't before

An old cootie game
found under old newspaper today
another gift from the pack rat papa
I like to imagine his hands as small as Finn's
turning antennae round to fit in small holes
making Gran play with him
on old linoleum floors
It can blow the mind
He turns 60 this week and I am wishing I had a
treasure for him
I sometimes wish he and I could go back in time and
rewalk portions of our path
this is not going to happen
but I wish I could reach out and turn a dial that would
run a constant loop in his mind
a message of how much I love him
even if I have never been very good at showing it

looking from a window above/it's like a story of love

Amazing wedding
fabulous people
culture
food
spirit
ain't love grand?
I feel like a mac truck ran over me
but it was so worth it
back to the basics tomorrow

going to the chapel...

The Rev. Amy has arrived!
Photos on Sunday
dude
my minister did not look this good!

It took a long time to become the thing I am to you.

oh airport bars
layovers are not so bad with you
even delays are OK with old friends and Gin
xo

And we rely on each other, ah-ah

I am without the time I need today. I wanted to write you all a love poem. I wanted to be able to express my feelings about what I am discovering about this massive online blogging community. I wanted to say things in a very eloquent and precise way. Instead I started writing down yr names and sites on paper and thanking you in my mind. Thanks for the daily inspiration, the connections, the certainty. Just like always, I don't fit into any small neat package. In the blog world I tend to dip in and out of many circles. I am not a cerebral hip blogger, not a crafty mama, not a political one, not a green girl, not a design maven, not a poet, not a soapbox...doobleh-vay doesn't really know what she is, but she is better because of all of you. It is my pleasure to filter yr words through my days. I can remember the day I first read Dooce a few years back and thought she was so cool and so brave. I feel that way every time I read and discover all of you now. What a world we have here. So many people who are finding their small rooms to thrive.

Woolf said something like this:

Odd how the creative power at once brings the whole universe to order
Happy Valentines Day all xo

Walk with me,Suzy Lee/through the park and by the tree

My pal Kay has sent me a parcel from far away today.
I was blue today/headache/the tiny kid germs have invaded me I think.
I was blah and uninspired and then I opened the package and felt alive!
Kay is someone I "met" through blogging and I am so happy that we connected.
On Valentines Day I am planning on posting about connections
and the blog world and what I have discovered.
a whole universe of inspiration and connections
I invite you to check out her page.
If you want some cool furniture or need ideas or sparks you will find it there.
And I think the kettle is always on if yr in the Netherlands xo

Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall

daddy is home today
it is like a holiday
outside early
because it is ohio
and it may be 75 in the morning


Last night my ex boyfriend from Mykonos emailed me. He has been giving me back my fading memory of the time I lived there and reminding me of Greek phrases and some history of the island. There is no budget for a trip back to research for the novel this year and I must rely on my minds ancient film, books from the library, and some things that Makis gives. He reminded me about the north winds in August called the "meltemia" and nudged me to recall Delos where we would ride small rocky boats to the island where Apollo was born and how no one may ever be born or die there now. Delos means lightfull , luminous , clear...brought to the light. He gave me tons of information and I know he will be the conduit for the glimmering scenes that once played out there in the aegean sea.
He also told me he is getting married next year and I am happy for him. Smiling/corners crack. I won't lie though-my stomach felt leady for a moment. How can I feel like that? 10 years have passed and I am deliriously happy and I do not have two lives to live. I think it perhaps roots from only child selfishness. (I blame a lot on that whenever I feel like an ass.)
We are invited and Joe says we should try and go. We have not had an adventure in Greece for five years. I could have a novel to take to him by then. I could walk off the plane and hand him the words that he so helped me form. Efharisto

I come back to the place you are

I am marrying my friend in a few days and we are finishing up the ceremony and the vows and all the cool sweet spots that will make this a very hip wedding. I like the fact that they have tons of music and non traditional vows and parts. I have been writing and working out some things in my head and also surfing the web for wedding info. I am shocked at how boring and uninspiring the search results are from wedding readings/vows query. I mean, I am pretty well read, but every poem- everything I have seen before. I will give exception to the offbeat bride. I love her. She rocks.
I was thinking about my wedding and how it was kinda indie and hip for 1999 and how me and my pals cuts hundreds of white birds out of paper and how they hung from the trees and I smiled all night looking at them. Our wedding was way out in the country on a bed and breakfast estate and everyone stayed over and the hills were so alive that evening in Ohio. I was thinking about Rob and Reg's wedding last summer...it was a carnival theme and I loved it! Married beside a kissing booth and photo booths for guests! I read "I Like You" by Sandol Stoddard and it was a hit. I love a wedding.
Avesta and I share a lot of the same taste in music and she is having some great songs in her ceremony but I am trying to convince her to add another one that I found on NPR. Duncan Sheik..who knew? But his song is perfect. I think of love songs and I always go back to the quintessential love song of my youth....Lloyd Dobler and a Boombox and Peter Gabriel and I go weak in the knees. "In Your Eyes" is so loaded with the past that I kinda don't like it anymore, I just have a fondness for it. (and how lucky is that Arquette lady/two songs written for her- MUSE!)
I think about if I were having my wedding just now...Would I be stressed? I think I have cultivated my creativity so much in the past 9 years that I would not be so carefree as I was then. I would worry and fret over details that back then I did not. I knew then that I wanted a perfect day and it was. But it is fun to think about what songs and decor and other things you would have now. I would still wear the same dress...That is always a good indication that the dress you picked was not dated. I still think there should be some more kick ass wedding sites online...Or at the very least..someone should compile wicked cool readings from all places in one site...So if you wanted hipster stuff or funny stuff or a really good line from a movie then you could find it. Enjoy the tune. "For You"
Love is so thick in the air today
I can hardly take it



Just bc we are on Lloyd Dobler and it is a Monday:
I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

That grow sweeter each season/As we slowly grow old

As I slowly clean out my basement I find photographs everywhere and I sit today on rubbermaid totes and have a good look back. I am heavy in my thinking.



Thinking that I cannot wait to go to away this weekend and revel in old times-
old times that included this amazing hat
where did I put you little hat
of bliss?Thinking of asking my mom if she saved this cute dress.


Thinking of the day that cow would not move out of my way in Athens, Ohio. I just go out and hung with him for a bit.Thinking that I miss the island where I once lived and am writing about now in my novel. I am thinking that the photographs of this time in my life represent freedom.

Thinking that my husband misses his delightful father much and his sadness is creeping out little by little and he must soon board a plane back to UK to see him as we all need our daddies.

Thinking that I have the most adorable husband ever and how this day a long time ago in Paros, Greece we sat in the sun all day and drank and talked about our future at a little taverna and how so many things we talked about that day have come true.


Thinking that it could never have been just you little Finn. It seems like a far away place.
Don't you just love to get lost in a box of photographs?
It is a part of the human condition
the need for reflection
the need to go back
sometimes to be able to go forward
xo

Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.

Cheap morning date
Cut up some boxes and make a letter of the day game.
The letter is H!
*If you draw a heart out of the box you must dance to Mrs. Robinson for 30 seconds and do two jumping jacks
*If you draw a "h" you must make the "h" sound and think of a word that starts with "h"
Fun and free
Blaise thought it was BS and ate most of the tiles.
happy weekend

And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth/After the flood all the colors came out

Playdate with my old college friend who moved nearby
love when yr past comes back to play
we are slowly working on small cottage industry
that will unleash this spring
small small
but so exciting

Is it wrong to count down the days till you go away
from yr family?
I am so excited to board a plane this time next week
and fly away to Nebraska
to marry my friends
I have been working on
looking very official and Reverend like
in the mirror

and dearest kelly
you toe crosser you
who tagged me with odd things about myself:

I do not like to share any milk based product with anyone...children or spouse

I have an irrational fear of encountering a tiger or a lion in daily life

I used to dress as a giant chicken and gorilla and deliver balloons and singing telegrams
I learned to drive on a tractor
I love the smell of mechanic shops
I grew up with parents who collected coca cola memorabilia in a massive way
I won't tag anyone today because I am off to search for treasure xoxoxoxoxoxo

It's easy to remember/remember my love that way

I wanted to share some birthday ideas. A few of my pals are having first birthdays for their wee one coming up soon and I love to hear about all the planning. I was insane with the planning of Finnian's first birthday. It was a spring fiesta full of paper flowers, sunshine, Mexican food, cerveza for the big ones, music, ungodly amounts of decor, and of course two traditions:
(Question to self...Why with the second child did the massive extravaganza whittle down to a small party?) I think I am more tired :)
1. We snapped a photo in the yard of Finn in a funky button up shirt that belonged to Joe. He sat there in a puddle of fabric and we all laughed. I had seen the idea in a magazine with a woman and her daughter and a vintage dress. It was amazing to see her daughter grow into the dress. We have been doing this with Finn and I think I will post the four shots on his birthday in April so you can see. Please steal this idea...I did.
2. Our dear artist pal made us a canvas for all guests of the party to sign for Finn. It is called a future wish board and we just love that it has hung in his rooms since that day. We are doing the one for Blaise a bit different as we did not have it at the party and are going to make it a future wish board for all the friends and family who come to the house this year to sign. We are doing a hat photo of Blaise too!
I love these wish boards the most.
They are special works of art that hang there just shouting out all the best in the people we love. They yell out for the future and they are a reminder to smile. They are no doubt going to be an archival of some of the folks that might not be around when the boys are older and it is very important for me that my sons to be able to see great grandparents messages to them in these happy frozen moments. I am sure the boys will appreciate looking at the signatures and wishes one day.
Steal these ideas please xo


Blay Blay...why are you attracted to all things harmful...If the kid is not sticking his finger in a light socket then he is making friends with an old lead paint mirror. I finally put it away.

The words she knows, the tune she hums

We had ten thousand markers from grandma the scrapbook hooker. When they died we would collect them in a mason jar. Today Finn and I made a mobile thingy with them. I tried hard to show how beautiful it was by filming it all wonky and taking a photograph in the bathroom of rehab with no curtains. Alas-yr gonna just have to trust me that the kid made a sweet looking recycled piece. If he was in Soho he would most likely have a
show.

Well it's all right, even when push comes to shove/Well it's all right, if you got someone to love

science soon, originally uploaded by turnsharp.

sick days deserve a treat
PaPa's old Porter that he saved
for 50 years

Someone told me long ago/There's a calm before the storm

I don't have that spring in my steps today
I am grumpy and even annoying myself
after nap I will try and be that creative lass
but for now I am just going to read a book
and day dream about visiting this place
I heard from the widow
me and the wee ones are going to do a day trip there
and to the art museum soon to see the Amina Robinson show
I am also dreaming of the outrageously scrumptious fish fry
we dream about all year long at a local church
It starts Friday night and it makes me want to genuflect

The grass was greener/The light was brighter

I really am so lucky to have a pack rat for a father. Joe and I joked while picking up the kids last weekend at my parent's that it is like a compound with the house and barns and summer kitchen and small buildings. He needs the space...the man collects! He also has kept my childhood things and has relinquished them little by little to me in what seems like the timeline of appropriateness for Finn. It is cool. I recently found my old preschool card game Slap Jack in a box he had left here. I took them out and immediately felt the rush of memory as my thumbs touched their slick backs. I thought about the old wooden table in my room and how my mom and dad would hunch down and play with me there. I loved this game. Finn is currently thrilled at slapping the table hard when the Jack card appears, as he loves the opportunity to use his brute force. I love the illustrations and the vintage feelings I get.
Slap Jack!

Mama don't take my Kodachrome away #1

Mama and Finnian are going to start a new weekly photography walk. Finn has my old old camera and he and I are going to take photos of the same subject at the same time and revel in the results. We will whisper about things like vantage points and be amazed at how many ways there really are to look at something. We are going to take our two cameras out into the world and have fun. We hope you like it. We will never tell you who took which picture. You will have to guess which eyes are 3 and which eyes are 34.
Please take a peek here.

Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet/Make a little birdhouse in your soul

I found a pair of these shutters in my basement
they speak to me
Joe says they say
throw us away
I think they need to be repurposed
Joe has been showing Blaise
that it is fun to play quietly in his crib
because sometimes being alone
in the bathroom is so nice
My old train from 1973
on yr wall now
dear son
Painting the staircase
am thinking of wall decals for risers
or a poem
slow project

SusieJ has a great little valentines idea on her site. Well, Susie...My VDAY wish is that my sweetie will send me and my laptop to The Westin downtown and let me have a weekend of novel writing sometime this winter...That is my dream. I hope this dream also includes my mom coming up and watching the kids and him being able to have some free time too. I 'm nice like that.

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you

Earlier:
breakfast and library and
drives and small brisk walks
time spent with just my Finn
needed needed...
Martha has a new kiddos mag out?
So pumped
I love a good thing
I hope yr day is unfolding as wonderful as mine
xo

We all fall down/Like toy soldiers

We have run out of Starbucks cards. Joe cashes in his business rewards for gift cards that are among my most precious items. We have also run out of the instant British coffee otherwise known as Starbucks methadone. We now have to drag the old crusty drip pot out from under the kitchen sink, the one that doesn't work properly.(The one that makes coffee taste a bit "off".)
I try and think back to the old days before Cafe Verona brewed by a machine that costs more than my car by a boy more hip than I will ever be. I try and channel Ma Ingalls as she runs her hand across the coffee canister in her log cabin. It probably was just hot water and coffee and it was so good and she probably had 5 pounds to last the long winter.

Brighter thoughts...I ripped this idea out of a mag at the Dr.'s office ( I am aware that I am terrible!!!!) and we made some VDAY prints this morning.
Love it! I am just encountering the people drawing skills of a preschooler.
I love how bodies have very strange proportion's.
I love the limbs and the circle feet.
I love that he draws me incredibly slim and with long long legs.
I just love it.