Tuesday, September 2, 2008

But if you try sometimes you just might find


Finn started soccer last night. Joe and his pal Will are coaching the team. It was a night we looked forward to for a long time. Finn could not stop talking about soccer and his team and the majestic wonder of it all. I feel like he is more like me than I want him to be. Sometimes I think Finn pumps up something in his mind to such a high power that it cannot ever measure up in reality. He is like me- trying to get directly to the denouement of a situation without unraveling and experimenting with the complexity of it all- without a true catharsis.

It could have been all the sugar at the birthday party prior or the little sleep or the sharing of his dad or any number of conditions that made him weep and cry and act more like a baby than a big boy across that massive soccer field last night. It could have been anything but it really embarrassed me. It broke me down a little in front of all the other families I think.

I had told my good friend Angie as we sat on the blanket in the field prior to the practice that I thought she was type A in a good way and she replied quite quickly that she thought I was rather type A as well. I think I might have huffed for a minute but then I realized that she was most likely correct in her assumption. But I wasn't always like this.


I wish she would have known me before I lost all my
invincible skin and before I had kids. I hope that all my old friends can still squint there eyes and see me unafraid and charging at life. Those days are really far away sometimes. Days when not much would shake me or get me down. Days when problems were like math- not real. Days when I knew exactly who I wasn't. Days when I would think nothing of smoking a joint or spending the whole day writing one perfect poem. Days when I really didn't care what others thought. Like at all. I keep writing affirmations on my chalkboard, but they are not working.
Is there a procedure to remove this type A lesion? Anyone? Anyone?




15 comments:

Sizzle said...

I've always been Type A. I never even had that carefree period of my youth so I have no helpful hints, I'm afraid.

All Adither said...

I'm a Type M. Whatever that is. But definitely not A. Sorry, though, I don't have any good tips.

Kelly O said...

I'm not sure your reaction to one event says too much about you. For one thing, I've found that the judgment of other mothers is harshest, so sometimes it's hard not to get embarrassed in front of them. Maybe it was also all the sugar at the party or the lack of sleep or the fact that you wanted so much for your sweet Finn to have fun. :) I know there have been times that I'm retrospectively appalled at my actions. We're all striving toward better versions of ourselves.

mary said...

First off, I love what you wrote on your chalkboard. LOVE it!

Secondly, I can identify just a tiny bit...I, too, feel that I had thicker skin (and MUCH more of a 'mind over matter' brain) than I do now. And I don't even have kids yet. I'm not sure why. I think it could be that as we get older, we become overwhelmed with the pressures of life and don't always have the energy to be strong and brave.

Kimmylyn said...

Can I tell you that I have had SOOO many conversations about this with my friends.. because so many of my husbands friends wifes only know me as a mom.. and not "KIM" if you get what I mean.. I used to be the most laid back person I knew.. NOW? even my own bathroom time is schedule.. and it drives me BANANAS some days..

I love what you wrote on the board.. so true.

avesta said...

I miss those days Amy....I miss when I could call you and we could talk for an hour and enjoy every minute of it....you can go back....just relax baby....you're doing more than fine....you are amazing always at everything you do....you have to let the kids cry, scream, break things...etc and know that's sometimes how kids act. Noone is judging you...and if they are...they suck so who cares!

Rowena said...

I'm not a type A... not really. Maybe I am a sort of right brained type A(z). But I do know that whenever I start getting that bad soundtrack in my head telling me I'm not good enough, I try to replace it with a more constructive mantra, like:

Breathe, breathe, breathe. or
It's all good. or
I rock. or
Trust the process. or
ride the wave. or
whatever it is that makes you remember that this is just one of the normal bumps in the road.

Loralee Choate said...

I have always tried to be a type A person but it has never worked. Like, ever.

Thing is, even though I am totally laid back there ARE things that I am totally controlling about when it comes to my kids. It has been very hard to let them go their own way in a lot of areas.

And?

The way your kids act seem like it is a direct reflection of your parenting. It isn't the case (usually) but it can FEEL like that.

When your kids freak out in public it is just hard not to feel like a bad mom or not judged.

I totally get this post even though we are probably very different personalities. Loved it.

a little bird said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
a little bird said...

the grass is always greener, eh? I don't know if this is relevant, but it might be, so I am taking the risk... I have kept journals since I was nine. Vast, congested, information packed journals documenting everything from a lost tooth to lost virginity to living in other countries.... you get it.

so when I feel as you are feeling right now - nostalgic for the past, remorseful over loss of a past self - I crack open one of those journals...

nine times out of ten I am made painfully aware that the past wasn't THAT great, I wasn't THAT happy, and I dealt with a host of other problems...

so. I hope this helps. You are one of my favorite bloggers, and although we have never met in person I see the pot smoking poet - but with an adorable son as a subject...

<3 lots of love.

vincent said...

First off, I agree with Avesta one hundred percent. Obviously she is a wise woman like you! :) Then, there is always "Murphys Law", and I like you, feel that I live it... I know that I am anal about Siennas routine, schedule and such- but when we veer off course just a wee bit, she goes off big time. I have come to understand that this is just "how she is". Steffi was all laid back, go with the flow- this one sometimes seems like if you aren't catering to her and her needs 100%, WATCH OUT!!! It sucks, but these things shall pass... Being a writer sort myself, I don't know if it is actually Type anything, it is more just like the deep, intense, writers mind... EVERYTHING SEEMS HUGE. I like you, never used to be like that and I definately wish I was on my OCD meds again- that helped!!! But you are great, believe it. Truly, this happens to everyone, it is hard not to take it personally- BUT DON'T. HUGS!!!

Headless Mom said...

Some days are just like that, pal. You are a tremendous mom. Little boys sometimes melt down. Pee Wee soccer is more of an exercise in getting parents ready to watch their kids go out into the world and sometimes stumble.

Hang in there. Next time will be better!

Anonymous said...

finny just cried because he was too hot in his haircut. maybe he needs a beckham haircut for soccer. or a long nap on soccer days. you are doing just fine. everyone is allowed to be a little anxious now and then. and he is just 4. and you are just 30something. it is all good. just let buzz lightyear #2 lead the way for a bit. --k

s said...

OH yeah... kids will do that to the best of us. The key to good parenting is to dig up that other side, before kids, and make that rule. Still looking for that.

SusieJ said...

I can't figure out if my comment took... blogger just burped... anyway, it was from me.

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