Thursday, October 16, 2008

I'm only happy when its complicated


It taunts me.
It looms above me and shakes it's little fat finger at me.
My novel.
It is all up there
on 18 little pieces of paper and
half of it lives inside my computer and the other
half is drowning...

But, I ignore it more and more as I write for some money and build toys for some money and play with my kids and kiss my husband and try and see family and friends and will I ever write that book?

My friend Michelle sings to me each and every time
we hear the song Galileo from the Indigo Girls
She sings a tiny part from it
She has sang it to me since college
But then again it feels like some sort of inspiration
To let the next life off the hook

But she'll say look what I had to overcome from my last life

I think I'll write a book
and always until lately I looked her right in the eye at a concert or the living room of someone's home drunk on red wine and sang out the lyrics loudly and proudly with her...

but lately and I mean the last several years
I kinda look away or ignore that certain part of the song
I worry that I will be a big disappointment to not only myself
but to those who have always sang to me
sweetly

Writers...Are you there?
Did it take a long time to become you?
I am a little lost today.
Last year in in October I told everyone I was going to write a book in a year.
I have failed.

Get me delivered to yr email xo

13 comments:

catnip said...

No, no, no. No failure. You can't put a time line on something that comes from the deep well of creativity. It needs to happen in it's own time. Let the fear go so the words can bubble up.

Excellent song to have stuck in my head now. :)

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

Well I don't consider myself a writer in the sense of "I'm going to write a book writer." It seems to me that you haven't failed at all. A time limit? Seems limiting.

You'll finish this book.

Amanda said...

I understand.

Take the pressure off. Do NaNoWriMo and just bust something out. Anything.

Some things take a little longer than a year.

Look for some inspiration in your inbox later.

Feeder of the Hungry Beans said...

That sense of failure can eat you up, long before it's ever true. (Boy, howdy, do I know that.) The truth is, you haven't failed. You're in the middle of it. And that is a fine and very difficult place to be. You can do it, because you are doing it.

Sometimes you have to get past the "writing" part of it and do the "typing" part for a while. I mean, put aside doing it well and just type. For a solid 15 minutes. Then a solid half hour. Then a solid hour. And eventually you'll get that connection back between your brain and your fingers.

This year, for me, is the year I write a book. Ask me how it went next September!

Good luck.

Nadine C. Warner said...

"Failure is not an option." I say that in the sense that not writing a book "by now" doesn't mean that you have failed anything!

Sounds like the *you* that is supposed to write the book just isn't supposed to be doing that right (write) now because another *you* is supposed to be doing something else (the other writing, daily life, etc).

I second the regular writing/typing time. It's a great habit and also sends a signal to the rest of your life that the writing is literally on the wall(!) and this is a priority.

Kimmylyn said...

Failed?

Never ever let me hear you say that again.. Your words on your blog alone are book worthy..

Breath..

It will happen.. I know it will because you are THAT talented..

karey m. said...

do me a favor, won't you?

go and add up all the kindness and inspiration and all-out love you've sprinkled since last october.

way bigger than a book, friend. way.

writers always think in terms of a book. how about thinking in terms of your words? because yours? are really good.

xoxo.

Mary said...

You haven't failed at anything. You've taken time to write for money and play for money and kiss your kids and spend time with your husband....those are all worthwhile things. Besides, I can only imagine the time and patience it takes to write a book - I don't think you can put a time limit on yourself like that. It only adds unnecessary pressure. Just work on it as you are inspired, and it will happen. I'll look forward to reading it!

Citygirl-Em said...

Have you read 'The Artist's Way'?
The author suggests doing 'morining papers' which is basically 3 handwritten pages of conscious stream thought to unclog your mind of all the things you are carrying around that distract your creativity. It's like taking a brain dump. I suggest you get her book from the library and read it. It might help aid you getting back on track to writing your book. Sounds like you need to clean out your brain through morning pages so the real stuff can surface.
good luck!

Abby said...

I agree with the other commenters... I love the writing that you put up here everyday. It inspires me, connects to where I am in my life and makes me feel connected to you. I think books are born when they are ready. The story will come when it wants to. I don't think it serves you to force it or to feel bad for not having written it yet. It isn't there yet. Stop beating your head against the wall, seek things that you find inspiring, love those boys in your life, and it will come.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I may not be a writer - but even I know that it takes at least twice as long to write a book as you thought it would take. So I say you have a whole other year. With this bonus year - you have to admit that you've gotten quite the head start on reaching your goal!

In the meantime - playing with your children and kissing your husband is probably more important. You have to HAVE a life before you can give life to anything. Especially a novel.

I've been thinking that I'd like to write a book... Since I'm assuming that it will take me about 10 years, I'll get back to you in a couple of decades.

village mama said...

I f-u-l-l-y understand; but you are NO failure, you've simply been focused on loving your family, madly, truly, deeply.

What’s helped me focus on my book is less time on the WWW, thus, no facebook, no twitter, little to no blogging, for me it was lots of fun but too distracting.

Our Crooked Tree said...

You have not failed. I say I will write a book "someday". At least you have started! All in due time. Look at everything you have accomplished in the last 12 months!

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