Monday, August 18, 2008

Couldn't be much more from the heart

Whenever I go home I visit Josh's grave. Josh was a boy I dated in high school. He had a devilish grin and brilliant eyes.
He was killed on a motorcycle while we were in college. I was attached to him on many levels bc we kinda grew up together as he was my best friends step brother and through everything he was a friend in the "Stand By Me" kinda sense.

When he died a bit of me died too, a large part of my invincible skin rubbed right off that summer night. My mom tried to hold onto me as she gave me the news in person at my job as a camp counselor at Geneva Hills. I ran right away from her, completely unable to share my grief with anyone. Completely unable to announce to the world just how much that boy had marked my soul.
I loved him as much as a seventeen year old girl could.

I always feel the urge, the pull towards his grave when I am here. Finn has been with me before but the last time he was only three. This time he asked all kinds of questions in the car and I tried to answer as honestly as I could. I cringed as I told him about the accident and how people are buried or cremated. I looked out the window and actually had a bit of a shudder go through my body. It doesn't get any easier to retell the story of a person that showed you their heart and then died. I venture to say it never will.



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11 comments:

Headless Mom said...

*sigh*

I have a similar story of an old friend. I sometimes can't believe it's been 20 years (this summer!), and other times it seems as though I just had a Coors Light with him yesterday. Someday I'll blog about him.

(((hugs)))

Kate said...

Oh Amy. I'm so sorry. I wonder what is harder. To lose someone when you are young or when you are older. When you are young, you allow yourself to feel all of that pain all at once. You run headlong into it and let it consume you. And when you are older you try to break it down into little pills you can swallow one at a time - thinking it it will be more manageable. But those little pills burn as much as the big ones when you don't have anything to wash them down... Sorry for the bad poetic imagery. It's not my strong suit - but I've have a dose of both kinds of death in my past and a few glasses of wine tonight.

I'll be thinking about you.

susiej said...

Man... that happened to the kid next door when I was in HS.
Rocked my world to see him alive one hour... and then...
Sorry,
HUGS.

www.pepperpaints.com said...

I too had a good friend die in a motorcycle accident my second year in college. Each fall I remember the phone call and I think about him. In my mind he is forever young and carefree. Now that my son is 13 and has this invincibleness about himself, I think about Bob a bit more often.

mary said...

Oh, this is so sad to read. My heart aches because I know that innocent love you shared sometimes can feel the strongest and most untarnished of all. I can't imagine going through that type of loss now or then.

avesta said...

My brother shares your love and sadness for Josh...he still can't talk about it. I remember when he and Karwan got arrested in high school for drinking....my dad picked them both up and took care of them...not a word to my mother or Josh's...he was part of our family. I love ya!

Diane Mandy said...

I understand this post so well because I share a similar story. It's been 20 years since Mike died and I think about him so often!

a little bird said...

<3 hang in there. lots & lots of love.

Neil said...

How sad. But from the experiences of others, who remember a friend from twenty years ago, it sounds like memories don't fade easily.

Amy said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm a little teary reading it.

Patois said...

It's good that you can now share your grief with Finn, and that you have someone who can visit Josh with you. I'm sorry.

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