Thursday, June 5, 2008
Well swimmin' up this river/With sentimental fever
I am reading this book and thinking about happiness. Unalloyed happiness. We do tend to gauge our happiness meter against things in our life. (If this/When/I will... and we sometimes need to compare/contrast/wonder)
I get fully unimpressed with myself when I hesitate and linger a bit on the negativity that runs through my veins. I unfortunately inherited ancestral pessimism and grumpiness. I did-I know folks who know me think I am gleeful and shining light and bunnies and shit, but it is work people! I am not a depressed person but I tend to go to the negative place first. I have fought this all my life.
It is true I am the life of any party. I have been on the top of a bar this year already. I laugh so much. I eat life. But...I have to close my eyes tight and force myself not to think that things are bad when they are truly not. I have to try harder to trust people. I have to open up my real heart more to people. I have to cultivate much more patience and look at the scary as possibility. It helps to be married to a beacon of positivity. Joe, my truth and light. It helps and it also hurts bc I worry that one day he will grow tired of picking up my heart and soul and gently tucking it right back in place.
I have to look right round this room and trust in the fact that there is so much happiness here. It lives inside of these boys and pours out all over my lap when they hug me. It is the smell of spiderman suits that needed washed yesterday and hair slick with sweat. It is the light from the window falling on an afternoon where we stayed inside while it rained and took photographs all day. There is great happiness in being exactly where you want to be and realizing it in the moment.