Sunday, March 15, 2009

"A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same."

I hung out with some pals Friday night. It was one of those nights that heavy talk was hanging in the air like fog because our friend is going through a divorce and you know she just needed to talk. She needs it and her heart requires it and we were there and it was good. Women are magic when it comes to communication. Magic and sparkle and light. I know she is going to be OK. I know it. She is beautiful and smart. She has that resilience that some do not have inherently and must grow like a reptile skin over years- she has it now, so she is lucky.
But no matter it is sad. I know next year this time will be different and her light will shine even more and she will glow again, but I am deep for her. And of course the talk got more interesting as the wine came and all I could focus on is the moment two people fall out of love. And does it happen in small steps over time or in one big night full of fighting and broken dishes. Is it the same for everyone at a base level? Is there is a switch in our hearts that hang from a very long cord and we just pull it like a madman one day? We just pull it and change our lives?

It freaks me out, kinda like the obsession I had as a child of listening to my grandfather tell me about heaven. My grandfather, the Baptist minister, instilled most of the scary thoughts in my head surrounding the afterlife. If I don't think of fiery pits of hell and burning flesh with the demons I think of the way he would tell me stories about heaven.
Heaven was described in all of the typical hurrah fashion, but then at some point they must have told me that it went on forever. And at a young age I think forever was burnt into my brain as me walking on these dirt roads and it just went on and on and I was all alone and no one was ever there with me and forever meant I was not alive anymore and I was dead.
Even today if I think about those images and the monotony of walking on and on and it is forever and that whole thing makes me feel ill.
Just like thinking about love and the way it can so easily, with such confusion fall apart.
God it scares me.
I set fire to my cord last night.
The one hanging from my heart.
I set fire to it and blew the ashes across the floor and they spelled out lucky.

title post- Fried Green Tomatoes 1991


Kate Coveny Hood said...

I often wonder about that too. I think it's different for different people - and it depends a lot on the people they choose to love.

I've always heard people say that being a parent is the hardest job than anyone will ever have. I disagree - because the pay is so great. That unconditional love is so effortless. Instead I think that marriage is the hardest job. Too much multitasking, too little attention to risk management, and elbow grease up to the eyeballs.

But if it works - all so worth it.

vincent said...

I think this is one of the most beautiful endings to a blog you have ever written. Being divorced myself, I know how hard/sad the end of something is- even when it may be very right. I now feel so blessed with what I have now, but I do believe that the hardness of goodbyes stay etched in your heart...

Poppy and Mei said...

Congrats on the soulemama spot, now that is a claim to fame! XXxx

Kate said...

nice to meet you today, too! i have a post up about it at the revelry blog. you did a great job :) we really enjoyed ourselves. especially "owen"

vintagechica said...

Just wanted to add a bit of congrats here too. And feeling a bit sad for your friend. She's lucky to have you. Im just getting back from some girl time myself.

Much love.

Fan.and.Feather said...

Sooo... after reading this post I sat on whether or not I would respond. Obviously, I decided I would because I wanted to lend some words of encouragement to your friend. I remember the weight of that kind of loss and anger and sadness and confusion, but thankfully I can look back now on the other side of things and say, with total sincerity, that things will be better and the lightness in life does come back. I really think that my friends (you very much included) helped to carry me along when I felt like I couldn't move an inch forward in my day to day. It sounds like she's got a solid bunch to carry her through.

Ok, enough rambling. Love you much. xoxo

hippo brigade said...

Love isn't enough. It never claimed to be. Love is just the wonderful feel good part of it all. The commitment, the honor, and the daily choice of marriage is what keeps it bonded together. I'm setting fire to my cord too.

Angella said...

This was absolutely beautiful to read, Amy. Powerful.

Tara said...

Beautiful and sad as well!

Joanna Goddard said...

i really love this.


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