Friday, February 20, 2009

Last night I banished the boys upstairs and cleaned up a bit with music blasting.
I wanted to be alone. I craved it really. I turned Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah up so loudly that I think my neighbors heard it. I placed it on repeat and let go. I screamed out the words while I washed dishes and when it was all over I felt so much better. We all know how to calibrate ourselves at the most base level. I must be alone and I must move creatively.

I think something cool happened yesterday. For years I have been searching for a quote I could only half remember. You know when you read something and then you forget the actual words and only recall the emotional response of it?
When you can not fully pull the rabbit from the hat and
intermittently over the course of forgetting and remembering you stay in a sort of tip of the tongue dead air space? Like lyrics that won't come or faces who have no names?
Well, a long time ago I read this quote that I later sorta wanted to slice through a particular time in my life with. I knew that these words existed and I knew that they explained how I was feeling, but I couldn't remember them. This was over a decade ago and sometimes I would think of that quote for a second only to be annoyed that I could never have recall.
Well, life surely moved at a rapid pace and it all doesn't matter anymore.
Well, cleaning out a box that I have touched a million times fell a slip of paper.
The paper had a Mary Gordon quote on it.

"The sickening sense that you have betrayed someone simpler, finer than yourself.
The truth that for a certain time, it was right to say you loved them.
Realizing too that while you never thought of them, your face was always in their heart, behind their eyes."

And then like time had never passed I felt sad and horrid all over again at the thought of breaking someones heart. Even when we are very old I think if our hearts are good we will remember all of the good and bad that our hearts saw.
I think there really are little places in our hearts where people live forever.

There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah


Sizzle said...

That song heals me.

AmericanFamily said...

If you go to youtube, there is a version of that song by the chick from First Aid Kit. She should totally record it because it rocks.

180/360 said...

there are so many levels of this post i relate to.

i know for sure that if we met, we'd completely get along right off the bat.

i can't say that about many people on this planet...

Patois said...


Momo Fali said...

Sigh. I just love you.

Ser said...

I love how you say we all know how to calibrate ourselves at the most base level. I think that we all do know this somewhere deep inside of us, but many of us lose it. I myself have only finally realized, in the last year or so, that I MUST exercise each day and I MUST be outdoors each day if I am to function properly. It is hard, as mamas, to claim these things sometimes.

What a great post. I love knowing you are down the street rockin out to some beautiful music. That makes me feel happy.

bernthis said...

I know of some who refuse to acknowledge the horrible pain they have caused in the lives of others. We all need to take inventory of ourselves every now and then and own it all, the good and the bad

amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay said...

siz- so much
amfam- yes- hell to the yeah
180- I feel the same way from reading yr blog
pat/momo/ser- love you
bernthis- it is hard- sometimes you wish you could go back in time- there is so much truth in what you say. xo

Alexis said...

Lovely! I like the JJ Cale version and the Jeff Buckley version too, but Leonard is the best.

Annie said...

Old post I know but it reminded me of this: There was a woman at my church who went up to thank the Sunday School teacher for using a certain quote in her lesson that day. The quote was one that had been read at this woman's father's funeral 20 years earlier, and she'd been trying to find it forever. She copied down the quote, just happy and so alive and thrilled at having finally found it, went home and started fixing dinner and dropped dead right there on the kitchen floor. True. Happened just about 3 weeks ago. Honest tacos. I'm betting you're safe tho. Unless you first heard that quote at somebody's funeral. Maybe, just in case, you might want to at least make sure you aren't wearing any safety pins in your underwear. (Crap. Wasn't my last comment about death too?)


Related Posts with Thumbnails